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"It's not that bad" is not that good
Jan. 10th, 2006 07:22 amIn one of the many diet-and-exercise support groups I belong to, the talk last week turned to decadent eating. People began talking about the things they missed being able to eat, first jokingly, then in almost orgasmic tones, and finally they were exchanging recipes. If this had been a formal support group - an OA or Weight Watchers or something - I'm sure a moderator would have appeared to put a stop to it and get people back on track. But it's just a peer group, so the thread had to exhaust itself.
The whole thing got me thinking about addiction issues and support groups. And decided that, unless you are in the right frame of mind - or truly at the bottom of the barrel - they can do just as much harm as good.
I have seen more than a couple people go into addiction counseling and play the "Who's the Biggest Loser?" game. And that's easy to do. From what I hear, a lot of people in AA are seriously messed up - their problems range far beyond alcohol addiction, and they are struggling hard with a lot of life issues. If you go in with the wrong attitude, it's easy to look at them and think, "Compared to these people I don't have a problem at all!"
The key phrase, though, is "compared to these people."
There were a couple of periods in my life where people who were good friends of mine - and who I really do believe thought they were good friends - broke off friendships when I got my life more together than theirs. As long as I was the fattest one, things were fine. As long as I was the one without a boyfriend, always available of a Saturday evening if their plans got cancelled, life was peachy. They could feel superior around me. Oh, they offered encouraging words and praise when I embarked on self-improvement, but my failure would only prove how much better they were.
My success, they couldn't handle. It shifted the balance. They needed someone on the bottom rung to reassure them that they had climbed higher on the ladder.
But the point in life is not looking down; it's looking up. I'm not talking about monetary success, though that is often part of it. I'm talking about bettering yourself, striving to be more. Not settling for being one rung better than the lowest common denominator.
And to accomplish that, you have to choose your peer groups carefully. It's not an accomplishment being the smartest person in the room if the average IQ is slightly above room temperature. It doesn't do any good to have a group of people to exercise with if your most consistent accomplishment is talking each other out of it. And you'll never deal with an addiction or health problem by comparing yourself with people who are even more messed up. As comforting as such comparisons may seem.
The whole thing got me thinking about addiction issues and support groups. And decided that, unless you are in the right frame of mind - or truly at the bottom of the barrel - they can do just as much harm as good.
I have seen more than a couple people go into addiction counseling and play the "Who's the Biggest Loser?" game. And that's easy to do. From what I hear, a lot of people in AA are seriously messed up - their problems range far beyond alcohol addiction, and they are struggling hard with a lot of life issues. If you go in with the wrong attitude, it's easy to look at them and think, "Compared to these people I don't have a problem at all!"
The key phrase, though, is "compared to these people."
There were a couple of periods in my life where people who were good friends of mine - and who I really do believe thought they were good friends - broke off friendships when I got my life more together than theirs. As long as I was the fattest one, things were fine. As long as I was the one without a boyfriend, always available of a Saturday evening if their plans got cancelled, life was peachy. They could feel superior around me. Oh, they offered encouraging words and praise when I embarked on self-improvement, but my failure would only prove how much better they were.
My success, they couldn't handle. It shifted the balance. They needed someone on the bottom rung to reassure them that they had climbed higher on the ladder.
But the point in life is not looking down; it's looking up. I'm not talking about monetary success, though that is often part of it. I'm talking about bettering yourself, striving to be more. Not settling for being one rung better than the lowest common denominator.
And to accomplish that, you have to choose your peer groups carefully. It's not an accomplishment being the smartest person in the room if the average IQ is slightly above room temperature. It doesn't do any good to have a group of people to exercise with if your most consistent accomplishment is talking each other out of it. And you'll never deal with an addiction or health problem by comparing yourself with people who are even more messed up. As comforting as such comparisons may seem.
