In the market for a new ignition

I feel like I need a jumpstart, like I've given everything I had to the job that didn't work out and now I'm just not able to get myself motivated to make another effort. I know it's only been a couple days, but it's left me feeling very unsynchronious and generally out of sorts.

On the plus side, it gave me a chance to bring Erin home for a long weekend and work with her on her magick, something she has ben wanting. Good mother-daughter bonding.

Wow, I just did it again--finding the silver lining, no matter how dark the clouds may seem. This used to actualy drive my ex crazy, that in the most gloomy parts of our lives I would look for something to be cheerful about. When he was in the depths of sorrow and depression, he didn't want anything "trivial" lightening it. Wallowing was the only solution. I am about as down as I have been in years--I have occasional sad days but I generally bounce back quickly. This time I've been having vague thoughts about death--nothing alaming, nothing proactive, just catching myself thinking dark thoughts and pushing them away. Yet, even when I am totally down like this, I'm looking for those positive things.

Okay. I'm gonna get through. It's interesting that putting words on the screen, thinking with the keyboard, so to speak, can clarify these things.

Now I just need to get myself motivated....

Enough bitching!!!!!

I started out writing another whining, "I'm so miserable because I'm depressed and I hate being depressed" entry. Who the fuck cares? Some 60% of America is clinically depressed--what's so unique about that??! So instead, I decided to write about the most ridiculous, embarrassing, silly things for which I am grateful and that make me happy. (Just assume the wonderful hubby, great kids thang. They're the tops, but not what this list is supposed to be about.)

Syndicated Television--I've decided that it's not worth getting involved in a show during it's early, first-run stages. Why get all involved with characters that the networks are likely to cancel after 8 episodes? Why, for that matter, care at all until your friends are raving so much that it's obvious you're missing out on The Real Thing. It was GREAT doing 5 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a matter of three months. I'm all kewl and Trivial Pursuit-y now, and I didn't have to spend 5 years getting there. Same thing with Star Trek: The Next Generation. I watched the first two eps and abandoned it with a resounding "yawn." Didn't see it again until the final ep. Wow, fuckin' good TV! Watched 7 years of shows in chron order on 5-day-a-week reruns in about 4 months, and was instantly a superior geek to the friends who had stuck around faithfully all those years. Woo AND hoo.

Videotape--Without this wonderful invention, I would never have been able to catch up on 5 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in so short of time. Working for the OPB, I couldn't get home by 6pm when the first of two eps per evening aired on FX. Thanks to the wonders of magnetic tape, I could come home, have dinner, check email, and then whirr past commercials and watch two eps less than an hour and a half. How sweet is that?

Gardening books, magazines and websites--This is my favorite time of year for gardening. Things are slowing down, there's not much point in doing terribly more, but boy, can you plan for next year. Next year we're going to get that water garden in. Next year we'll put lattices against the garages and grow honeysuckles all up them to hide the walls and build a pergola with a swing and... . This year I got some herbs planted. I went to the garden store and asked them for a plant that could duke it out with the neighbor's thistels and win and they pointed me straight to the mint. I believe them now. Even though the mint went in very late it's already sending out runners like some weird alien creature infecting the environment. We have friends who are gardening experts and they just shook their heads in horror at the amount of mint (and lemon balm and basil) we had planted. "You'll be fighting it in a couple years," they said. Good. At least they don't have thorns like the thistles. And next year my garden's gonna be awesome. You should see the plans in my head.

Singing--Mine's not a great voice, but I can carry a tune and belt out with feeling. I love to emote through music, and can be brought to tears of joy or sorrow by the emotion in song. Which is related to...

Long drives alone--Taking Erin to and from her school in PA constitutes a 4-hour drive each way. One leg of it is always alone. I frankly love this. I sing, I think, I sing some more. I'd probably make a good truck driver, because I love to drive. Long drives give me happy-in-my-own-head time.

Hot bath with a good book--It has to be a relatively lightweight book--the artsy trade paperbacks with 70-weight paper are too heavy to hold up until the water gets cold--but there's nothing more delightful than pouring through 100 pages of a novel in the warm steam of a bathroom.

Cheetos--Whoever thought of turning corn and cheese into a slurry and then flash-frying the ensuing mess should be sainted. Is there a more satisfying snack food, really?

Good food--The opposite of Cheetos, and the light to their greasy dark. There's nothing quite like the sensation of a flavor that gives your mouth an orgasm. I've experienced this a few times, most memorably at The Marx Brothers in Anchorage, AK, and La Bretagne in Hartford, CT.

Good roleplaying--Nothing better to take your mind off your troubles than an alternate universe and a split personality.

Good friends--Nothing better to take your mind off your troubles than an alternate universe and a split personality. The "away from the office, I don't have to be uptight" one. Thank the gods they're there.

So, I have no reason to bitch. Life is good.