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Relationships: UR doing it wrong
Jul. 30th, 2008 11:48 amFerrett wrote a sweet journal entry the other day expressing his appreciation that I am sticking with him through thick and thin. My reaction upon reading it was, well, of course I am; I love you. But I found myself disturbed by the tone of some of the responses. One theme boiled down to, "Well, she better because she totally owes you for putting up with law school."
It would never have occurred to me to "connect the dots" between those two events.
I will be eternally grateful that Ferrett put up with me through four years of schooling, through many long evenings alone and me arriving just in time to go to bed and do it all again. Throughout the whole time he supported me and loved me and took care of me. There is no way that I could ever make that up to him.
But if I hadn't ever gone to law school, I would be just as supportive of his writing and Clarion as I am now. Because I love him and want his happiness as much as I want mine. When he had his crisis of faith this week, I suffered right along with him - I spent much of Tuesday curled up in bed, miserable for him as he worked through his pain.
This has nothing to do with law school and anything I owe him. A relationship can't succeed if the partners are continually "counting coup" to make certain that neither of them is receiving more "goodies" than the other.
He doesn't get Clarion because I got law school; he gets Clarion because it brings him closer to fulfilling his dreams. That's the only balance sheet in the equation.
The other theme went something like, "It's odd to express so much gratitude; after all she's your spouse. That's what spouses do."
To which I say, wow, you must be a dick in your own relationship.
A lot of people are not terribly supportive of their spouses dreams and desires. Yeah, they should be, and it makes me sad when I see people who sabotage their spouses or make fulfilling their dreams so onerous that they can't enjoy it or just give up. Sometimes their goals are incompatible, and someone has to compromise.
Anyone who isn't grateful to their partner for support is taking way too much for granted.
Ferrett didn't have to be grateful that I am here for him. But by being grateful, his grace is redoubled: he understands the gift and therefore is less likely to overlook it.
In a healthy relationship, support and gratitude are not a zero-sum game; I don't lose ground by being grateful, nor by giving support.
Neither of us owes each other. We simply want the best for each other. So I will continue to tell him that I am grateful for all the ways he supports me, and he will express his gratitude for the ways I support him.
And we'll both be better for the exchange.
It would never have occurred to me to "connect the dots" between those two events.
I will be eternally grateful that Ferrett put up with me through four years of schooling, through many long evenings alone and me arriving just in time to go to bed and do it all again. Throughout the whole time he supported me and loved me and took care of me. There is no way that I could ever make that up to him.
But if I hadn't ever gone to law school, I would be just as supportive of his writing and Clarion as I am now. Because I love him and want his happiness as much as I want mine. When he had his crisis of faith this week, I suffered right along with him - I spent much of Tuesday curled up in bed, miserable for him as he worked through his pain.
This has nothing to do with law school and anything I owe him. A relationship can't succeed if the partners are continually "counting coup" to make certain that neither of them is receiving more "goodies" than the other.
He doesn't get Clarion because I got law school; he gets Clarion because it brings him closer to fulfilling his dreams. That's the only balance sheet in the equation.
The other theme went something like, "It's odd to express so much gratitude; after all she's your spouse. That's what spouses do."
To which I say, wow, you must be a dick in your own relationship.
A lot of people are not terribly supportive of their spouses dreams and desires. Yeah, they should be, and it makes me sad when I see people who sabotage their spouses or make fulfilling their dreams so onerous that they can't enjoy it or just give up. Sometimes their goals are incompatible, and someone has to compromise.
Anyone who isn't grateful to their partner for support is taking way too much for granted.
Ferrett didn't have to be grateful that I am here for him. But by being grateful, his grace is redoubled: he understands the gift and therefore is less likely to overlook it.
In a healthy relationship, support and gratitude are not a zero-sum game; I don't lose ground by being grateful, nor by giving support.
Neither of us owes each other. We simply want the best for each other. So I will continue to tell him that I am grateful for all the ways he supports me, and he will express his gratitude for the ways I support him.
And we'll both be better for the exchange.
